heaven

Last week Granny died.  Death and the unknown is scary.  We have faith that there is heaven and we will see our loved ones who have passed, but there is always some doubt.  I believe doubt can lead to prayer, searching, reading and eventually a deeper faith.  My doubt was surrounded excuses for not studying, praying and searching. 

When someone dies it brings back all those who I have lost.  I'm lucky.  There have been very few deaths in my family and friends.  But as we get older the deaths increase and become significantly harder.  It is easier to accept the death of grandparents. 

The first adult death for me was Mimi, my maternal grandmother.  Sweet Mimi called me her "angel baby." I still have dreams about Mimi and her house.  The hardest part of Mimi's death is seeing my Mom and Aunt Jodie continue to grieve.  Mom still tears up when talking about Mimi and gets so excited when she dreams about her.  She says its like "a visit."  I can't really hear Mimi's voice anymore.

The second death was Pap, my paternal grandfather.  Pap had half a lung and multiple near death illnesses.  Pap loved to be outside and never sat still.  He was so appreciative of everything.  He would point his thumb and say " this is the best ________ I've ever had."  I remember when he got the diagnosis that there were many tumors in his brain and his suffering would be short.  He was hallucinating and thought my Uncle Mark was a traveling elder from another church.  I was there when he died.  I had never seen death.  When I was at his room with my family he was laboring to breath.  He was so thin and his coloring was so off.  I was scared to hold his hand.  It didn't feel or look like Pap.  It was like he was already gone.  Then- the breathing stopped.  Its easier not to think about him being gone.  Going to Nonna's house doesn't feel different/  It feels like he is still there. 

The hardest death was Mike.  My Dads best friend since ACU.  We loved hearing stories about Dad and Mike when we were little.  Our birthdays were celebrated "camping" at Mikes house.  He performed Laurens and My weddings.  We loved when the Lines came to town. One trip included "Gino's Vino" in uptown and there was mucho vino.  Tables were moved and we all danced until we couldn't dance anymore.  Mike suffered a long time.  His funeral was hard.  I still tear up when I think of my Dad's closing speech "mike was my friend.  And I loved him very much." To see my Dad choke up and to be so sad was hard.  Mike wasn't old.  He had beat cancer a few times.  My Dad had just lost his dad then his best friend. 

When Granny died, it brought back all these memories.  I loved Granny.  She was always so welcoming and loving.  I didn't know her long but I left like I had known her forever.  She and my Nonna became friends and were "cut from the same cloth."  I was honored to read a poem at her memorial. 

When we arrived in Amarillo I was downloading books. One was "Heaven is for Real" (the other was "Bossypants"- both AWESOME) and it tells the story of a little boy who went to heaven and came back.  Part of me is skeptical. But more of me believes its true.  I want it to be true.  I imagine Mimi, Pap, Mike and Granny waiting for me.  If takes the scary out of death. 

No one knows what happens when you die. I had heard when you die its like sleep till Jesus comes to get us. This books makes me happier that we get to go as soon as we die.  I hope its true.